Drawing Near

Recently i've been reading this book by John Bevere, Drawing Near, and its a really old book that i used to read when i was a young Christian. Passionate back then, i felt that there was just such nearness of God in my life and just being able to enjoy every part of my Walk with Him. Those were precious moments that left a scar in my life that even as i was backsliding, i felt that something precious was done in my life and its hard to deny God did a work personally.

Waiting on God is hard, seeking Him is really not something for the weak. I'm weak and my hands are feeble. In this period of my holidays, i feel that there are so much things that could be done and jobs that i really need to fund my upcoming school papers. Im really kinda broke and even struggling to give my mission pledges and all. Well as far as i am concerned, felt that God is really quiet this season. It seems like He's there but no words were exchanged. The feeling is so contradicting as its almost impossible to feel like that. Why would someone who feels that God is by his side not be able to hear His voice. Its not like God is a idol that is unable to speak or what.

But i guess that's what Trust is about? Knowing that He has a different way, different time, different purposes through seasons of my life. Still its hard and what u get from your loved ones are "What are you doing about it?" "Is that how u really wanna spend your holidays?" So much storms yet deep in my heart there seems to have a sense of peace that spending time with Him is not a waste of time.

Okay God, i really regret asking/praying about who my life partner will be. I mean i thought it will be cool that i will be able to trust you with it and more than knowing, i wanted to see it literally. Now this is really silly. Thank You for preserving me for so long before You whispered to me. But now the real deal has come and i feel that its all or nothing. In my mind i just can't come to terms why and how am i going to do this. Well after all its someone that you will be living for the rest of your life and how is it that You will confirm with me is it her after all? I'm stuck n between. Part of me wishes to just cast it aside and just be open to other relationships as i really do not know if its You speaking while other part of me just wants to trust that You really have plans to prosper me and not to harm me.

While having said all this, i know that i'm still not ready to get into a relationship. I always feel that i wanted a relationship to end this insecurity in this lonely heart. Yet Ps Foo once said this and it still rings in my head till this day. "You are lonely not because you are single, but because you don't have a living relationship with God." It makes total sense and it really keeps my  heart in check before stepping into a relationship.

I'm tired God. I need Your rest, Your peace, Your assurance again. Her blog is always so inspiring, so unreal. Like every season there is still light and running back to God was never really a problem. Yet i know that God, You have been there always protecting and loving me. I pray that each and every day, let me know You more. Don't let me place other things more important than You. Be my personal counselor i pray. Louder than any friend can speak. Continue to leave scars in my life so that i will know in different seasons You have been working through.