Yes. Everyday of my life i hope i don't wake up. Partly due to what i need to face when i awake every morning and the things i know i should be doing but am not reaching where my potential is. I feel so weak, so disappointed with God, so hopeless each day. I feel like giving up on life per say. This life game is too hard for me to handle and just things i must change and things that i need to do. To end off with it, God is also in the midst of refining me but i just don't look forward to all that He is expanding and enlarging me in.
I feel like it has been a long long time that i last felt this way about life. Even back in army there were stuff that i did not need to care and that was just awesome. Was just contended coming to church, receiving from God and have a structured life in camp. Walk with God may not be so good but i knew that God was protecting me and every night i could just sleep in peace without needing to worry for anything.
Has God changed? No. then i guess i'm the one changing and it seems like a burdensome and tiring journey. Yet this is not according to the Word of God and i guess there are some lies that i have been believing and still unsure about the character of God and often times i find myself challenging God to prove to me that He is real in the aspect of providing for me and being really someone that cares for me. Well, don't you need to fight in this world to not lose out and how often or how far can your simple faith bring you to? I'm sure God honors faith but i guess there's a part of me that needs to learn what is planning ahead and how to strategically move on with God and making this life count for Him.
Feeling discouraged, beaten down isn't really a sign of defeat. Staying in it is. And for me to be angry at myself and still needing to pick myself up is really something i really struggle. Can i just give up? Can i just throw in the towel? God, i sincerely ask that You will guide me out of this place that i am in. I cannot take it anymore. My heart is bleeding as i walk with You.
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