Rock bottom

Did i come to this point of my life to just do another stupid thing that i should have avoided completely? Questions like what was i learning all these years and did i not learn from my past mistakes so far? Why did i choose to do that was un needed and isn't this walk with God be something that is always going deeper? Why does mine seems like the first time i felt in love with God was the best time of my walk with Him and subsequently i'm just trying to stay alive and doing works that are meaningful yet it does not show what is really going on the inside?

 I realize that i'm always lost and down for some reason. There seems to be more days that are gloomy and dark than bright sunny days where i would just rejoice that God is there for me and i can just be satisfied in Him and with Him alone. No. At least i feel it isn't suppose to be like that. Don't believe God placed so much stuff on earth just to make people sad and disappointed. It must be the wrong focus. A wrong mindset. A heart that needs to be stronger because of the realization that God is indeed good in my life. At where i am now, can i really shout? i want to. At this rock bottom where i screwed alot of things in my life and i don't have solutions to all that i am facing, God can you hear this. Teegan can u don't give up? You must pick yourself up because He came to seek and save the lost. If His love was not real then go ahead. Run far far away to a land that you can just waste your life and die without a purpose. Do it if you have concluded God isn't real in your life anymore. But i guess something that really kept me going all these years was that i could not find something else that would satisfy my heart's desire and leaving God really meant a meaningless, wasted life. i don't want that and i pray that i will never be found there.

What must be done. Let it be done. Let me not resist. Let me allow You, the living God, to come and make the change. If i missed out everything and am still lost. Let me be lost in Your great love for me. With that i don't wanna understand everything. i just wanna let You do it in my life. Let me mean it dear God.