Down

Yes. Everyday of my life i hope i don't wake up. Partly due to what i need to face when i awake every morning and the things i know i should be doing but am not reaching where my potential is. I feel so weak, so disappointed with God, so hopeless each day. I feel like giving up on life per say. This life game is too hard for me to handle and just things i must change and things that i need to do. To end off with it, God is also in the midst of refining me but i just don't look forward to all that He is expanding and enlarging me in.

I feel like it has been a long long time that i last felt this way about life. Even back in army there were stuff that i did not need to care and that was just awesome. Was just contended coming to church, receiving from God and have a structured life in camp. Walk with God may not be so good but i knew that God was protecting me and every night i could just sleep in peace without needing to worry for anything.

Has God changed? No. then i guess i'm the one changing and it seems like a burdensome and tiring journey. Yet this is not according to the Word of God and i guess there are some lies that i have been believing and still unsure about the character of God and often times i find myself challenging God to prove to me that He is real in the aspect of providing for me and being really someone that cares for me. Well, don't you need to fight in this world to not lose out and how often or how far can your simple faith bring you to? I'm sure God honors faith but i guess there's a part of me that needs to learn what is planning ahead and how to strategically move on with God and making this life count for Him.

Feeling discouraged, beaten down isn't really a sign of defeat. Staying in it is. And for me to be angry at myself and still needing to pick myself up is really something i really struggle. Can i just give up? Can i just throw in the towel? God, i sincerely ask that You will guide me out of this place that i am in. I cannot take it anymore. My heart is bleeding as i walk with You.

Valley

The results of my SIM year 1 has finally been released after 3 months of rotting and remembering the days that i mugged and wasted my days away is such a regret. I failed econs and stats 2 and thats what i feared about to the point that i threw everything else to just study econs but still i did not make it and even my friends all passed it to make things worst. I guess thats the consequence of sin and not stewarding my studies that God has entrusted to me and that really saddened my heart as i know/claim that God wanted me to be here.

Its not just the studies but also life in general i suppose. I feel that being undetermined sucks. Sometimes i rather be wrong all the way and know that at least i'm wrong and learn something from it but this attitude/character of mine is seriously too cannot be bothered and weak to press on. I am utterly disgusted by myself yet i am the one choosing my day to day choices. To those that hope in me, my heart can't take this whole disappointment that i will bring to them and probably to those that thought i am just a simple guy who loves God. I don't. at least not with my life that i am living now and nothing is being accomplished from the moment i came church. I feel that there is just nothing valuable that i have allowed God to work through me.

GOd. can i give up? can u change something? or at least stop this life from going into ruins.

One life

Everyday i wake, i hope that God. You take a hold of me. Help me to focus on that which is important to you and not just interested on things on earth. I feel down. like there's no motivation to do what i need to do in my heart. Perhaps just following the flow and not too bad for my own standard but deep inside there is a desire to know God. Throwing away stuff doesnt help, Taking more stuff is not something i wanna try.

Yet...Yet... Something inside is not satisfied. Just not satisfied. God, i'm not satisfied.

loving hurts

Yes, if you ever did love people with your heart it must have hurt so badly. Cause humans fails and no one is perfect. I was so angry today that my parents didn't let me hang out with Ernest and gang. But the thing that really hurts is that i still do not have the trust and approval from my parents to be seen as a independent guy. Yes i admit that i'm probably childish for my age and because living under the favoritism that my relatives and family gave me really allowed me not to grow but just dwell in their love when i always make mistakes and taking stuff for granted. I know its not something i blame them for but rather i kinda hate myself for this. This very road i chose that cause me to feel that i wasted my life living for so long yet not being able to help or be a strength to anyone.

I felt so hurt that i swear so much that for the past few years didn't amount to what i prayed just now. I feel that its so hard to love and not get hurt. Wait. Now that i typed this i realized its impossible. I tried loving my family by trying to spend more time with them and just wasting time but yet this is how they see me. I feel angry yet useless. Looking at how others at my age at already enjoying the freedom that i think i will only achieve when i moved out of my parents house perhaps and all i could blame is myself for being so immature in their eyes.

GOd. i give up. But please don't give up on me. Teach me how to love like You have loved me. I commit this life again to Your hands. Use it as You will again.

SIM FOC camp

It was a short 3 days 2 nights camp and its my first since i did not went when i was a freshie. I missed the finale night and it turns out that many said that it was the best part of the camp. sigh. The games were not very fun until the water games came into place and i just felt the other part of Tee became evident and started to lead people in winning the game though we lost still but i am sure everyone enjoyed it and had a fun time of bonding together. It taught me quite abit as i was into the game and i asked myself what is that which i must focus on and how to take off from here. Yes, its about Him in our lives and we will be able to play it to the fullest.

I often find myself depending on other people emotionally. What is it that causes people to keep searching and finding that love that we need? The void that is so evident in the lives of everyone. Paul shared with me that its because of sin that separated us from God and it is not the same anymore thus this search of that which may fill our hearts to feel of what we were made for. That didnt make sense until i went to mediate and ponder about it. Yes, i guess thats why we always don't feel satisfied. Because we always want to find that original blueprint of what we were made for.

Lord, be my personal Lord and Savior each day of my life. I want to learn and continue this walk with You. Teach me again and again and again.

35/40 days into Fasting & Prayer

Yes. Its finally coming to an end of this fasting and prayer season. Sounds of relief and no more of the dying process is really something i look forward and indeed, mindsets are changed and humbled this period as God begin to take away physical strength and more of dependence for Him each day and what we are always involved in.

Before evening service started, Hongling asked if there were testimony that what God did that we wanted to thank God for and i thought real hard to examine if there was any stuff that God really did through me or in me but to no avail. Questions came crashing my mind if there was really nothing that God did this period? Well if you ask me the most memorable one would be fasting in bangkok during my family trip and that really frustrated me greatly when i need to fast while i'm on a holiday and it humbled me as i was weak and there was just a reliance and focus on God even though i was just busy shopping and enjoying my time away.

Is that all? While you hear of how God use other people to do so much more and how God open doors to reach their loved ones and how they took the step of faith to see what He is beginning to do. Deep in my heart i felt i wanted it too. Not the outward where people respond to you but more of being able to let God use you in where He placed you and a new movement where we can bring Jesus into the hearts of people.

Today Pastor asked if we ever wondered why we still exist on earth? I had an answer which was to know Him more and more each day but i thought about it in a more serious manner and i realize wouldn't it be easier if He brings us back to heaven where we will see Him face to face? I'm sure we will know Him and it really kept me thinking what is it that is really important that we are still placed on this earth then. And Pastor emphasized that there are people who are desperate to hear the gospel and its part of fulfilling our destiny in Him and why we still exist on earth to this day. I, for one, know that these 6 years of being in church have not been bringing people to church or rather the knowledge of Christ in where God has placed me. It has always been struggles that i am going through and there is always this fear of telling someone about God and what He is doing in my life.

So often i feel that the work that He tries to do in me is always halfway as i tend to give up easily. I wonder to myself when is it that i will be a testimony for God and be someone that can make a difference in my friends and family life. I want to. I hope that from today i would not just talk about it but i will preach Christ with my life and the conversations that God will usher and lead.

God. help me today. Help me not look back at what i have been doing all along but i wanna focus on what You want to bring and how i can be that which You have meant me to be. I want to move forward with You. Teach my heart to be teachable again. In Jesus name, Amen.