Frustrated

It has been the 10th day of the fast and its finally taking its toil in the flesh. This week i have decided to do the 6am to 6pm fast and as expected, its more dying than i want to fight it. Its only Wednesday but i felt like 2 weeks of temptation came crashing over me within this 3 days.

Today is a special day where for once i felt really frustrated with God. Was working in soup restaurant and i found myself giving my best yet i think to myself after probably one month of hard work which i don't think i can work everyday, i only earn like 600bucks a month. After all the cleaning and strength put into clearing the dishes and washing the cups, i sub consciously thought of my few other past jobs that were just sitting in the office and waiting for time to pass. It was such a luxury to make milo and have some snacks while just waiting for time to be up.

But that was not why i was so frustrated per say. Firstly, i don't know if this is where God really wants me to be and somewhere in my heart i felt that God promised that He will provide but my bank account is nearing 2 digits and if i don't take this job it will mean that i won't be able to even give my mission pledges and much more survive from day to day. I have been reading about how Peter was amazed when Jesus told him to let his nets to the right side and a large amount of fishes were caught and Peter was convinced that God is just amazing in His own ways but somehow i don't see it in my life. It seems when i asked God what is His plan for me this holiday, He is always quiet. Well, or probably i'm not ready to receive all that He wants to give me but i'm really confuse.

Since my exams are over i have been actively searching for a job and it seems doors are consistently being closed. I had 4 months in total but now its already halfway through and i look at myself and i count it quite a failure as i did not achieve much this holidays and i know i will not get such a chance to have such a long break anymore. Goddddddddd.. say something..let me hear it too.

Had cell today and was quite worried as i was playing guitar. The cords were hard though i practiced and it was really hard to hear if i am in tune or not. But end up due to miscommunication i didn't play and we sang a sweet aroma to God without the music. The time was short but i just felt we could worship and just enter the presence of God.

I think something that still lingers in my heart is what boss said about how she felt about me. In as much as i want to deny it or see it or acknowledge it, i felt that it is really not as important now yet i know half of me is probably avoiding and God has indeed been more focus on things that are probably more urgent and aligning my focus on what i need to learn and grow in this period. Yet deep down i felt sad. Not that she doesn't accept me but more like oh so there's really no natural inclination between us. Well, i guess there are a lot of things we don't acquire it naturally and some examples are probably discipline, changes that we consistently make to make our lives more fruitful but i guess deep down i really wanted something natural. Something that i don't need to make a effort to reach for. At least thats how i feel love should be in this current moment yet i know this isn't me that i am wanting to have but since He who promised is faithful then i hope i will continue to follow Him and trust what He has prepared instead of finding my own stuff to love and accept. Its always dying when God deals emotionally and its something i really want to run away since i feel lousy that people will not love me for who i am plainly. But God, let this period of fasting and prayer be one that align my mindset and desire to You and as i follow You, i just want to see what You see and pursuit all that is close to Your heart.