Brokeness

Yes i failed. That which i hold on to so tightly slipped out of my hand once again. To me it was a bitter defeat, unresolved desires, healing that has yet to come, things that my mind could not concieve.

 To me i felt that this period is the best moment i have with God. Just soaking in His Word, praying for people and just drawing close to Him. In my natural mind i thought this will mean a breakthrough. That which i could not use to overcome should come like a breeze since the closeness of God is so evident in my life.

But...i was wrong. Today i realize that people who were close to God had their own set of weakness that God needs to deal with. One person that came to my mind was Peter where Jesus told him that he is peter and upon this rock He will build His church. Yet at the next moment, Peter was rebuked for not being mindful of the things of God. This is also true when Jesus died and Peter went back to fishing only to be restored when Jesus appeared to Him and reinstate his love for God.

What a revelation.. That at where we are there are still stuff that God wanna deal with us, making us vessels of honour that are of use for His kingdom.

On the side note, i think today is the day where i cried the most probably in my whole life. Since on the bus i was already tearing and throughout the whole Praise and Worship, tears just streamed down as i come before God and words just could not express how i felt and i just broke down when He assured me that He was pleased with me first. Not the things i did to gain His favor. What personal touch that cannot be expressed by words or physical actions.

This is it God. Deal with me. As i come before You in humility and standing upon Your unchanging grace.