Its been 3 years since i last went overseas with my family? i don't remember what is really the last time we spent time together actually. This family trip has been a tiring and not-to-bad trip for me. Learnt more about my family and just wasting time together.
I thought about stuff as usual whenever i had free time during the trip. I was really struggling badly with the change sex culture and all but what really puzzle me is this. Why are they so determined to change sex despite the judgmental looks and opinions they get from everyone else? What is that which they hold on to so strongly in their lives? This kept me thinking and i reasoned that there may be disappointments in their life that they do not wanna be who they were created to be but instead being someone else.
It boils down to what we are all living for at the end of the day i suppose? Why struggle and go through life if you don't have something you wanna achieve? Isn't that mainly just existing and walking around aimlessly?
As this 40 days of fasting and prayer continues, it really humbles me and God seems to be emptying what is really inside of me. As i was looking back, i realize that i started to forsake some of the stuff that i have been holding on to since young. It served as my security and without it, i feel really lost and empty. I thought back of the games i usually spend my time in and how it spurred me on to wake up each day and having something to live for was really something i look forward to but as always games always reach a stage where a new stage of emptiness caves into you and you don't wanna play it anymore. This just makes life more saddening than before and often needing something else to fill my loneliness.
So after a long long long long while, i concluded. Life is about validating what you truly wanna live for. I can feel sad, empty, happy, frustrated, joyful etc but what is it that i wanna wake up each day is what i really the point of why im given this life. And i feel that it can be said in this way. If God is real follow Him, while if God isn't then do everything your own ways. While our lifestyle strengthens us to do what we wanna do, it seems like a direction deep in our heart got to be determined first. Its like running in a direction where u know u wanna complete a race, having in mind to finish the race. Yet, its not that simple nor complicated. Its about the choices of your everyday life and a constant reminder of why we live that we have to tell ourselves.
God. Its really hard. Help me to help myself.
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