Here i am. thinking deep abour what life really is again. As i wake to ask myself why am i given this life? Or maybe what can i do with this life? Am i really able to make full use of it and use it for God? What am i really trying to achieve and accomplish? God why did You give me this day?
I concluded once again. Its a lifetime with God. And He looks at our hearts every time we go wrong and make right with Him again. He knows every time we given our best and how He will enlarge our lives for His purpose and certainly times where we did not. The basic fact is like running. Every time you give your best you will improve and it will be seen in the next run.
But something that i took along as i asked myself what will be tested as you keep picking yourself up and run with God. I guess something that kenny asked that made me clearer in my thoughts was Why are you always wanting to do what you do? Why confess your sins? Why keep making right? Why keep choosing to live a life righteous before God? And i guess for me, it is that first God is real and its really a personal race that we don't need to compare with anyone.
With that i meant like seeing others running faster can encourage/inspire us, but God already know how much that speed that we are going is for us. He knows the widow that gave all that she lived on and He commented that it was more than anyone else that she gave. God is personal and we should when we worship Him instead of looking elsewhere.
Our hearts need love. Whether you admit it or not. So today if you are not finding your love in God, you will finding it elsewhere. Even probably your christian friends or ppl who are close to you. Things that bring u temporal pleasure and comfort. Yes. We all have a void in our hearts and everyday we seek for the things that we think will satisfy. So, today choose which side you wanna serve. The things that you consciously feed on and what not. Today this gift of life is given to you. Treasure it. Yes i'm talking to you Teegan. Its not over. You can still choose and make right that which needs to be put right. Jiayou.
Monday, July 29, 2013
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Back from Bangkok
Its been 3 years since i last went overseas with my family? i don't remember what is really the last time we spent time together actually. This family trip has been a tiring and not-to-bad trip for me. Learnt more about my family and just wasting time together.
I thought about stuff as usual whenever i had free time during the trip. I was really struggling badly with the change sex culture and all but what really puzzle me is this. Why are they so determined to change sex despite the judgmental looks and opinions they get from everyone else? What is that which they hold on to so strongly in their lives? This kept me thinking and i reasoned that there may be disappointments in their life that they do not wanna be who they were created to be but instead being someone else.
It boils down to what we are all living for at the end of the day i suppose? Why struggle and go through life if you don't have something you wanna achieve? Isn't that mainly just existing and walking around aimlessly?
As this 40 days of fasting and prayer continues, it really humbles me and God seems to be emptying what is really inside of me. As i was looking back, i realize that i started to forsake some of the stuff that i have been holding on to since young. It served as my security and without it, i feel really lost and empty. I thought back of the games i usually spend my time in and how it spurred me on to wake up each day and having something to live for was really something i look forward to but as always games always reach a stage where a new stage of emptiness caves into you and you don't wanna play it anymore. This just makes life more saddening than before and often needing something else to fill my loneliness.
So after a long long long long while, i concluded. Life is about validating what you truly wanna live for. I can feel sad, empty, happy, frustrated, joyful etc but what is it that i wanna wake up each day is what i really the point of why im given this life. And i feel that it can be said in this way. If God is real follow Him, while if God isn't then do everything your own ways. While our lifestyle strengthens us to do what we wanna do, it seems like a direction deep in our heart got to be determined first. Its like running in a direction where u know u wanna complete a race, having in mind to finish the race. Yet, its not that simple nor complicated. Its about the choices of your everyday life and a constant reminder of why we live that we have to tell ourselves.
God. Its really hard. Help me to help myself.
I thought about stuff as usual whenever i had free time during the trip. I was really struggling badly with the change sex culture and all but what really puzzle me is this. Why are they so determined to change sex despite the judgmental looks and opinions they get from everyone else? What is that which they hold on to so strongly in their lives? This kept me thinking and i reasoned that there may be disappointments in their life that they do not wanna be who they were created to be but instead being someone else.
It boils down to what we are all living for at the end of the day i suppose? Why struggle and go through life if you don't have something you wanna achieve? Isn't that mainly just existing and walking around aimlessly?
As this 40 days of fasting and prayer continues, it really humbles me and God seems to be emptying what is really inside of me. As i was looking back, i realize that i started to forsake some of the stuff that i have been holding on to since young. It served as my security and without it, i feel really lost and empty. I thought back of the games i usually spend my time in and how it spurred me on to wake up each day and having something to live for was really something i look forward to but as always games always reach a stage where a new stage of emptiness caves into you and you don't wanna play it anymore. This just makes life more saddening than before and often needing something else to fill my loneliness.
So after a long long long long while, i concluded. Life is about validating what you truly wanna live for. I can feel sad, empty, happy, frustrated, joyful etc but what is it that i wanna wake up each day is what i really the point of why im given this life. And i feel that it can be said in this way. If God is real follow Him, while if God isn't then do everything your own ways. While our lifestyle strengthens us to do what we wanna do, it seems like a direction deep in our heart got to be determined first. Its like running in a direction where u know u wanna complete a race, having in mind to finish the race. Yet, its not that simple nor complicated. Its about the choices of your everyday life and a constant reminder of why we live that we have to tell ourselves.
God. Its really hard. Help me to help myself.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Frustrated
It has been the 10th day of the fast and its finally taking its toil in the flesh. This week i have decided to do the 6am to 6pm fast and as expected, its more dying than i want to fight it. Its only Wednesday but i felt like 2 weeks of temptation came crashing over me within this 3 days.
Today is a special day where for once i felt really frustrated with God. Was working in soup restaurant and i found myself giving my best yet i think to myself after probably one month of hard work which i don't think i can work everyday, i only earn like 600bucks a month. After all the cleaning and strength put into clearing the dishes and washing the cups, i sub consciously thought of my few other past jobs that were just sitting in the office and waiting for time to pass. It was such a luxury to make milo and have some snacks while just waiting for time to be up.
But that was not why i was so frustrated per say. Firstly, i don't know if this is where God really wants me to be and somewhere in my heart i felt that God promised that He will provide but my bank account is nearing 2 digits and if i don't take this job it will mean that i won't be able to even give my mission pledges and much more survive from day to day. I have been reading about how Peter was amazed when Jesus told him to let his nets to the right side and a large amount of fishes were caught and Peter was convinced that God is just amazing in His own ways but somehow i don't see it in my life. It seems when i asked God what is His plan for me this holiday, He is always quiet. Well, or probably i'm not ready to receive all that He wants to give me but i'm really confuse.
Since my exams are over i have been actively searching for a job and it seems doors are consistently being closed. I had 4 months in total but now its already halfway through and i look at myself and i count it quite a failure as i did not achieve much this holidays and i know i will not get such a chance to have such a long break anymore. Goddddddddd.. say something..let me hear it too.
Had cell today and was quite worried as i was playing guitar. The cords were hard though i practiced and it was really hard to hear if i am in tune or not. But end up due to miscommunication i didn't play and we sang a sweet aroma to God without the music. The time was short but i just felt we could worship and just enter the presence of God.
I think something that still lingers in my heart is what boss said about how she felt about me. In as much as i want to deny it or see it or acknowledge it, i felt that it is really not as important now yet i know half of me is probably avoiding and God has indeed been more focus on things that are probably more urgent and aligning my focus on what i need to learn and grow in this period. Yet deep down i felt sad. Not that she doesn't accept me but more like oh so there's really no natural inclination between us. Well, i guess there are a lot of things we don't acquire it naturally and some examples are probably discipline, changes that we consistently make to make our lives more fruitful but i guess deep down i really wanted something natural. Something that i don't need to make a effort to reach for. At least thats how i feel love should be in this current moment yet i know this isn't me that i am wanting to have but since He who promised is faithful then i hope i will continue to follow Him and trust what He has prepared instead of finding my own stuff to love and accept. Its always dying when God deals emotionally and its something i really want to run away since i feel lousy that people will not love me for who i am plainly. But God, let this period of fasting and prayer be one that align my mindset and desire to You and as i follow You, i just want to see what You see and pursuit all that is close to Your heart.
Today is a special day where for once i felt really frustrated with God. Was working in soup restaurant and i found myself giving my best yet i think to myself after probably one month of hard work which i don't think i can work everyday, i only earn like 600bucks a month. After all the cleaning and strength put into clearing the dishes and washing the cups, i sub consciously thought of my few other past jobs that were just sitting in the office and waiting for time to pass. It was such a luxury to make milo and have some snacks while just waiting for time to be up.
But that was not why i was so frustrated per say. Firstly, i don't know if this is where God really wants me to be and somewhere in my heart i felt that God promised that He will provide but my bank account is nearing 2 digits and if i don't take this job it will mean that i won't be able to even give my mission pledges and much more survive from day to day. I have been reading about how Peter was amazed when Jesus told him to let his nets to the right side and a large amount of fishes were caught and Peter was convinced that God is just amazing in His own ways but somehow i don't see it in my life. It seems when i asked God what is His plan for me this holiday, He is always quiet. Well, or probably i'm not ready to receive all that He wants to give me but i'm really confuse.
Since my exams are over i have been actively searching for a job and it seems doors are consistently being closed. I had 4 months in total but now its already halfway through and i look at myself and i count it quite a failure as i did not achieve much this holidays and i know i will not get such a chance to have such a long break anymore. Goddddddddd.. say something..let me hear it too.
Had cell today and was quite worried as i was playing guitar. The cords were hard though i practiced and it was really hard to hear if i am in tune or not. But end up due to miscommunication i didn't play and we sang a sweet aroma to God without the music. The time was short but i just felt we could worship and just enter the presence of God.
I think something that still lingers in my heart is what boss said about how she felt about me. In as much as i want to deny it or see it or acknowledge it, i felt that it is really not as important now yet i know half of me is probably avoiding and God has indeed been more focus on things that are probably more urgent and aligning my focus on what i need to learn and grow in this period. Yet deep down i felt sad. Not that she doesn't accept me but more like oh so there's really no natural inclination between us. Well, i guess there are a lot of things we don't acquire it naturally and some examples are probably discipline, changes that we consistently make to make our lives more fruitful but i guess deep down i really wanted something natural. Something that i don't need to make a effort to reach for. At least thats how i feel love should be in this current moment yet i know this isn't me that i am wanting to have but since He who promised is faithful then i hope i will continue to follow Him and trust what He has prepared instead of finding my own stuff to love and accept. Its always dying when God deals emotionally and its something i really want to run away since i feel lousy that people will not love me for who i am plainly. But God, let this period of fasting and prayer be one that align my mindset and desire to You and as i follow You, i just want to see what You see and pursuit all that is close to Your heart.
Friday, July 5, 2013
Brokeness
Yes i failed. That which i hold on to so tightly slipped out of my hand once again. To me it was a bitter defeat, unresolved desires, healing that has yet to come, things that my mind could not concieve.
To me i felt that this period is the best moment i have with God. Just soaking in His Word, praying for people and just drawing close to Him. In my natural mind i thought this will mean a breakthrough. That which i could not use to overcome should come like a breeze since the closeness of God is so evident in my life.
But...i was wrong. Today i realize that people who were close to God had their own set of weakness that God needs to deal with. One person that came to my mind was Peter where Jesus told him that he is peter and upon this rock He will build His church. Yet at the next moment, Peter was rebuked for not being mindful of the things of God. This is also true when Jesus died and Peter went back to fishing only to be restored when Jesus appeared to Him and reinstate his love for God.
What a revelation.. That at where we are there are still stuff that God wanna deal with us, making us vessels of honour that are of use for His kingdom.
On the side note, i think today is the day where i cried the most probably in my whole life. Since on the bus i was already tearing and throughout the whole Praise and Worship, tears just streamed down as i come before God and words just could not express how i felt and i just broke down when He assured me that He was pleased with me first. Not the things i did to gain His favor. What personal touch that cannot be expressed by words or physical actions.
This is it God. Deal with me. As i come before You in humility and standing upon Your unchanging grace.
To me i felt that this period is the best moment i have with God. Just soaking in His Word, praying for people and just drawing close to Him. In my natural mind i thought this will mean a breakthrough. That which i could not use to overcome should come like a breeze since the closeness of God is so evident in my life.
But...i was wrong. Today i realize that people who were close to God had their own set of weakness that God needs to deal with. One person that came to my mind was Peter where Jesus told him that he is peter and upon this rock He will build His church. Yet at the next moment, Peter was rebuked for not being mindful of the things of God. This is also true when Jesus died and Peter went back to fishing only to be restored when Jesus appeared to Him and reinstate his love for God.
What a revelation.. That at where we are there are still stuff that God wanna deal with us, making us vessels of honour that are of use for His kingdom.
On the side note, i think today is the day where i cried the most probably in my whole life. Since on the bus i was already tearing and throughout the whole Praise and Worship, tears just streamed down as i come before God and words just could not express how i felt and i just broke down when He assured me that He was pleased with me first. Not the things i did to gain His favor. What personal touch that cannot be expressed by words or physical actions.
This is it God. Deal with me. As i come before You in humility and standing upon Your unchanging grace.
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Surrender
Yes. When u surrender to God all that you have and the desires that are hidden deep within. Thats when you are the strongest.
Because its no longer i who live but Christ that lives in me, who love me and gave himself for me.
Because its no longer i who live but Christ that lives in me, who love me and gave himself for me.
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