Today i was just browsing facebook. I saw the conversation between me and her. I know its wrong to keep dwelling in the past but i just felt there was something unsettled still, left deep in the past. I tried to forget/ignore the past that once happened and move on but unfortunately it kept hunting me till i remember every moment that i ever had with her.
I just want to say..
I was irresponsible
I was a liar
I hurt her till it left a scar in her life
I used her because i was lonely
I promised that i would be with her and leave church.
I took her first kiss
I left her
I stopped all forms of communication with her
I made her cry so bad
I just left her.
Just like that.
God. I can't believe how you still can love someone like me. I can't believe i played with relationships and handled it so carelessly. This was what i sowed. I struggled to let her go but I'm glad i did. And all i could do is to hope that the love of God can still come into her life despite myself being such a failure. God, thank you for your grace. Thank you for sending kenny to lead me back to you and to put a stop to this relationship. I believed that i have hurt her so badly. But because now, you still gave me a second chance to serve you, to love you, to be loved by you, to allow you to be my personal Lord and Savior again, help me Lord. Don't let me disobey you again. It hurts ALOT to walk away from you. Please come and heal the both of us. My desire is that she will know you. That one day we can be in your family. This is my prayer to you. Jesus, i want to remember your grace that you have for me. Thank you Father. In the loving name of Jesus i pray. Amen.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Friday, May 4, 2012
Life
Life has been good.
First thing first, just went for my ORD talk today at nee soon camp! Looking back at the excited/familiar faces didn't really helped me to accept all these happened a year ago. Time really flies and as much as i look forward to the end of serving my national service, i kinda miss those times where life is so much more dependent on God. Times where there may be lots of free time in camp and its just you and God. Less of technology, facebook, Tchoukball etc.
I miss those times when i will listen to my MP3 at my tekong bed and just want to spend time with God after a long day of training. Those time were precious, more than what any peer group/loved ones could provide. Well, at that point of time i guess i did rely on her and what i could get out of her. Be it attention, physical touch, encouragement etc. Sometimes i wonder if there wasn't her in my life how would i have survived my army days. Would i be so much closer to God? Or is it that i would have run into the world and may have already left church?
After remembering those good old days, i concluded that God is still faithful in my life. Bringing me from memorable experiences of being a medic to the recruit life of Tekong.
God, i just wanna thank you for all the things you have done in my life. From forgiving me, loving me, giving me a second chance, your peace that you leave with me, people that you place around me, i guess without you. I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHERE I WILL BE TODAY.
On the lighter side of life, i have already applied for my further studies. SIM UOL in Economics and Finance. According to victoria, that is what she has studied and she dropped out of that course(cause its like simply too hard) and she encourages that i do not go into that course unless God is leading me to that place. To be honest, i myself also has doubts if i can do well in that course that i felt God is wanting me to study. I mean for my poly i didn't really take time and ask God if this was what that he wanted me to do and thus getting into my first choice, i just went ahead and survived 3 years of it.
But now its different. I told my parents that i was sure of what i wanted to study although i didn't know what kind of work i would want to consider after having the degree. God, its like something that i will have to pick up and that would require a huge amount of effort to compete with those who had econ background. God, this time i wanna trust in you. If i have heard wrongly please lead me in the way that is everlasting. i tired of hearing and not able to do what your heart desires. Empower your kid alright? =D
Today as i was just finishing up 2 Samuel, i read in the part where God gives 3 options to David regarding how God should punish David for his sins. Famine, Pursued by enemy or plague. Firstly, i certainly did not even know that God gives people option to choose how they would want to be punished. Secondly i was quite amazed by what David replied. This was how it goes, 2 Samuel 24:14 - "David said to Gad, "I am in deep distress. Let us fall into the hands of the Lord, for his mercy is great; but do not let me fall into the hands of men."
To me, David knew God's mercy although he has sinned against God and choose to still run into God's arm even if it meant plague to his kingdom. He knew the character of God doesn't change even when he walked away from God. I pray that i will remember this in the times when i'm not walking with God and would still choose to run to Him all the time.
Lastly, God, are there also like 3 options for life partners? LOL. i mean just curious la. but God, my prayer is that if its not your intention. Please don't give it to me. That's my sincere request. =)
First thing first, just went for my ORD talk today at nee soon camp! Looking back at the excited/familiar faces didn't really helped me to accept all these happened a year ago. Time really flies and as much as i look forward to the end of serving my national service, i kinda miss those times where life is so much more dependent on God. Times where there may be lots of free time in camp and its just you and God. Less of technology, facebook, Tchoukball etc.
I miss those times when i will listen to my MP3 at my tekong bed and just want to spend time with God after a long day of training. Those time were precious, more than what any peer group/loved ones could provide. Well, at that point of time i guess i did rely on her and what i could get out of her. Be it attention, physical touch, encouragement etc. Sometimes i wonder if there wasn't her in my life how would i have survived my army days. Would i be so much closer to God? Or is it that i would have run into the world and may have already left church?
After remembering those good old days, i concluded that God is still faithful in my life. Bringing me from memorable experiences of being a medic to the recruit life of Tekong.
God, i just wanna thank you for all the things you have done in my life. From forgiving me, loving me, giving me a second chance, your peace that you leave with me, people that you place around me, i guess without you. I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHERE I WILL BE TODAY.
On the lighter side of life, i have already applied for my further studies. SIM UOL in Economics and Finance. According to victoria, that is what she has studied and she dropped out of that course(cause its like simply too hard) and she encourages that i do not go into that course unless God is leading me to that place. To be honest, i myself also has doubts if i can do well in that course that i felt God is wanting me to study. I mean for my poly i didn't really take time and ask God if this was what that he wanted me to do and thus getting into my first choice, i just went ahead and survived 3 years of it.
But now its different. I told my parents that i was sure of what i wanted to study although i didn't know what kind of work i would want to consider after having the degree. God, its like something that i will have to pick up and that would require a huge amount of effort to compete with those who had econ background. God, this time i wanna trust in you. If i have heard wrongly please lead me in the way that is everlasting. i tired of hearing and not able to do what your heart desires. Empower your kid alright? =D
Today as i was just finishing up 2 Samuel, i read in the part where God gives 3 options to David regarding how God should punish David for his sins. Famine, Pursued by enemy or plague. Firstly, i certainly did not even know that God gives people option to choose how they would want to be punished. Secondly i was quite amazed by what David replied. This was how it goes, 2 Samuel 24:14 - "David said to Gad, "I am in deep distress. Let us fall into the hands of the Lord, for his mercy is great; but do not let me fall into the hands of men."
To me, David knew God's mercy although he has sinned against God and choose to still run into God's arm even if it meant plague to his kingdom. He knew the character of God doesn't change even when he walked away from God. I pray that i will remember this in the times when i'm not walking with God and would still choose to run to Him all the time.
Lastly, God, are there also like 3 options for life partners? LOL. i mean just curious la. but God, my prayer is that if its not your intention. Please don't give it to me. That's my sincere request. =)
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