Ever tried living in your own world long enough and someone finally wakes you up to reality? I must have been dreaming for too long. Too virtual is my world. As i look around i realize everything changes. Only God is still there for me. I'm grateful.
I sleep too much. I need a break from everything. But i ask myself why is this so. As i receive God's mercy and grace each step along the way, it doesn't seem like i'm growing any stronger. In fact, i admire just the young and energetic Teegan who used to love God simply. I have acquired knowledge about God, i have prayed and gone through army and difficult times. I should have been stronger. But each day i awake, i find myself just trying to avoid pain, just trying to not give in to temptations, just trying to manage everything, just always saying i'm really tired in life. This place that i am in doesn't seems to be where i wanted to be. Thought life could be simple, either follow God or the world but there's this part where you know what needs to be done yet doing it is so hard. Not doing it also suffer. I think i am highly self pitying myself and i need to stop it. I don't want to be found in the same place 5 years later.
God is not done with me. He never will. I don't understand why am i struggling since i already know what destroys and what does not. But i pray that i will not turn away from Him. He is my Father. My refuge.
Friday, March 13, 2015
Monday, February 2, 2015
Double Standard
Sometimes i wonder if i will be able to just live for God once again. Its 3.20am and i'm here. I failed. i dishonored God's temple. I heard, seen, tasted much but none i held it close to my heart. I'm not a failure yet i choose to be always so near and befriend it. I am not who i am suppose to be.
Dear God. i don't find anything wrong with You. Its me. Change me again.
Dear God. i don't find anything wrong with You. Its me. Change me again.
Thursday, November 6, 2014
God is faithful
Reading my last post sure brings back memory but its something so distant that i could hardly remember the time that i was in already. Moving on from the darkest period of my life to where i am now is indeed something i could not have done it on my own strength.
Probably the only thing that changed was that i found friends in church again. To start off with anything, there was alvin, faz, HD, Ernest that formed a group of people whom i don't just know them surface level anymore. It seems like what i have been missing out on a community of believers has been restored and its really a joy to hear out each other struggles and being so transparent and open about their lives while we challenge each other of who God is in ours which we hope it will be not just a group to talk about life but rather how to live for God in all our aspects of life which is found in Him. Its like finally when i sing about the church being a family is not so far fetched already.
With that being said, i think its not that i don't struggle with lust or with other stuff anymore. But my approach to God and church is changed. As i come before Him, its no longer dependent on works, how i handle my struggles, how i have been living my life to start with. Think all these played a part but its about God's love for His children before anything else or everything else will start to ever change. The reason is simple. Our determinations, will power, convictions, emotions will never be constant. Only His love does. Thus when i encounter a problem or season in my life that is unsure, i remind myself that its about His unfailing love that i can walk in assurance rather than how my character is and how far i can reach out to God.
Grace - Gratefulness - Sanctification - Restoration - Freedom - Grace
In all my struggles, May grace be the motivation factor of why i change and the reason why i want to struggle through. Not the things i do or not. but deep down from my heart, my desire, my appetite, my habits, my lifestyle, my serving, my faith in God. Your love that first reached down to us. May that compel us to experience fully and deeply into your grace as we encounter your love again.
Father, be my father who holds my right hand. My prayer is to be simple again. To be a child in awe of you. Beyond all the complicated things in my mind which are not so complicated when i bring it to your presence, i want to come to your presence daily. Let your nearness be my good. Not for any other audience in the world to see or be amazed by but rather a deep renewing personal encounter that i may have with you. Cleanse me from the inside. Thank you heavenly Father. =D
Probably the only thing that changed was that i found friends in church again. To start off with anything, there was alvin, faz, HD, Ernest that formed a group of people whom i don't just know them surface level anymore. It seems like what i have been missing out on a community of believers has been restored and its really a joy to hear out each other struggles and being so transparent and open about their lives while we challenge each other of who God is in ours which we hope it will be not just a group to talk about life but rather how to live for God in all our aspects of life which is found in Him. Its like finally when i sing about the church being a family is not so far fetched already.
With that being said, i think its not that i don't struggle with lust or with other stuff anymore. But my approach to God and church is changed. As i come before Him, its no longer dependent on works, how i handle my struggles, how i have been living my life to start with. Think all these played a part but its about God's love for His children before anything else or everything else will start to ever change. The reason is simple. Our determinations, will power, convictions, emotions will never be constant. Only His love does. Thus when i encounter a problem or season in my life that is unsure, i remind myself that its about His unfailing love that i can walk in assurance rather than how my character is and how far i can reach out to God.
Grace - Gratefulness - Sanctification - Restoration - Freedom - Grace
In all my struggles, May grace be the motivation factor of why i change and the reason why i want to struggle through. Not the things i do or not. but deep down from my heart, my desire, my appetite, my habits, my lifestyle, my serving, my faith in God. Your love that first reached down to us. May that compel us to experience fully and deeply into your grace as we encounter your love again.
Father, be my father who holds my right hand. My prayer is to be simple again. To be a child in awe of you. Beyond all the complicated things in my mind which are not so complicated when i bring it to your presence, i want to come to your presence daily. Let your nearness be my good. Not for any other audience in the world to see or be amazed by but rather a deep renewing personal encounter that i may have with you. Cleanse me from the inside. Thank you heavenly Father. =D
Friday, June 27, 2014
Reflections
As i look back at the different facebook posts in my timeline, i recall of how God brought me through different seasons of my time. From the poly time to NS and after, bitter sweet memories, people that i met and people who are still in my life till this day.
Much has changed. friends that were close to my heart were not so due to certain convictions and belief that we hold on to. I did not expect myself to be who i am today. Nor others the way they are. There were seasons where i doubted, trusted, believed, go through the motion, seek approval, had great friendship, challenged to walk deeper into the heart of God, met new friends in SIM, picked up bad habits etc.
But till this day i feel terribly lost. It has been long since i had a friend that i could just pour out my heart to. I could tell God everything(i think) but as for the body of Christ i have yet to find someone who was as close as ningjie. Sometimes i ask myself do i need one to be as close as he was to me? i don't have the answer but i realize it does help when you are going through down seasons of your life where you can be reminded of God's love and keeping each other in prayers, speaking truth and even clearing your thoughts after speaking to each other. Sometimes what you tell a leader and friend can be a little different. Not in content but probably more of what you are feeling in what you are going through.
I see my life now as a failure. A flop. I did not treasure what God has entrusted to me and walking daily with God is a struggle as of now. I don't understand the joy of the Lord now as worldly desires seems to be more attractive and that's kinda sad because it doesn't satisfy. It probably only gives a instant false sense of security and pleasure for the moment. There's no difference between a beast and me since we both live on instincts rather than the bigger picture.
It hurts to look back and remember how close i was to God. True enough i had some wrong image of who God was. Through the years my knowledge increased and got to understand through the Word of God who He really was. The main question i ask myself sometimes is after having a new mindset of who God is, do i still really want to follow Him all the way with my life? At least for my life i can say that i don't enjoy dying to my self daily. When i don't have answers from God and i feel lost i tend to make my own decisions or just running away from the problems i have by running to the world.
Only recently i felt God revealed a deeper side of me on the inside. I felt it was really hard to accept myself and i saw how ugly my flesh really was and how much i enjoyed being who i am today. Never would i have thought that it will be possible for me to enter into such a state where Christianity becomes a religion rather than a relationship. I mean why not just leave church and declare i am not a Christian rather.
All seems good until i realize that God has done a work in my heart. Deep down inside i know that when i run to the world, i will just come back hurt and in the progress hurt many more people. Whats the point of doing something you already know and seeing many having already done that.
I struggle like crazy God. Because i know when You live in me i can be a blessing to the nations. Your good news will be spread and i will know of the joy of the Lord. The life without regrets as i invest in Your kingdom. But to me now, all these are just knowledge. I'm sorry Lord.
Where am i going to go on from here? i am not just my own yet God i know you are more concerned for me than whatever i can do for You. Its weird not loving the person that loves you. Help me not stay here any longer.
Much has changed. friends that were close to my heart were not so due to certain convictions and belief that we hold on to. I did not expect myself to be who i am today. Nor others the way they are. There were seasons where i doubted, trusted, believed, go through the motion, seek approval, had great friendship, challenged to walk deeper into the heart of God, met new friends in SIM, picked up bad habits etc.
But till this day i feel terribly lost. It has been long since i had a friend that i could just pour out my heart to. I could tell God everything(i think) but as for the body of Christ i have yet to find someone who was as close as ningjie. Sometimes i ask myself do i need one to be as close as he was to me? i don't have the answer but i realize it does help when you are going through down seasons of your life where you can be reminded of God's love and keeping each other in prayers, speaking truth and even clearing your thoughts after speaking to each other. Sometimes what you tell a leader and friend can be a little different. Not in content but probably more of what you are feeling in what you are going through.
I see my life now as a failure. A flop. I did not treasure what God has entrusted to me and walking daily with God is a struggle as of now. I don't understand the joy of the Lord now as worldly desires seems to be more attractive and that's kinda sad because it doesn't satisfy. It probably only gives a instant false sense of security and pleasure for the moment. There's no difference between a beast and me since we both live on instincts rather than the bigger picture.
It hurts to look back and remember how close i was to God. True enough i had some wrong image of who God was. Through the years my knowledge increased and got to understand through the Word of God who He really was. The main question i ask myself sometimes is after having a new mindset of who God is, do i still really want to follow Him all the way with my life? At least for my life i can say that i don't enjoy dying to my self daily. When i don't have answers from God and i feel lost i tend to make my own decisions or just running away from the problems i have by running to the world.
Only recently i felt God revealed a deeper side of me on the inside. I felt it was really hard to accept myself and i saw how ugly my flesh really was and how much i enjoyed being who i am today. Never would i have thought that it will be possible for me to enter into such a state where Christianity becomes a religion rather than a relationship. I mean why not just leave church and declare i am not a Christian rather.
All seems good until i realize that God has done a work in my heart. Deep down inside i know that when i run to the world, i will just come back hurt and in the progress hurt many more people. Whats the point of doing something you already know and seeing many having already done that.
I struggle like crazy God. Because i know when You live in me i can be a blessing to the nations. Your good news will be spread and i will know of the joy of the Lord. The life without regrets as i invest in Your kingdom. But to me now, all these are just knowledge. I'm sorry Lord.
Where am i going to go on from here? i am not just my own yet God i know you are more concerned for me than whatever i can do for You. Its weird not loving the person that loves you. Help me not stay here any longer.
Sunday, May 25, 2014
Its time to pay the price
Tee, it has been 24 years already. Exactly how long more do you have on earth? What do you really want? The will of God? Compassion for the lost? Worshipping God for who He is?
Tee its time. To stop this bullshit. To walk right with God.
Tee its time. To stop this bullshit. To walk right with God.
Thursday, May 8, 2014
Time and time again
Its 6am in the morning where i just finished 3 papers of my uni SIM UOL papers. With 2 more to go and having God's mercy upon the first 3 papers, i felt quite relax this season. Probably having gone through once last year and i guess this year im just slightly more prepared. I failed again this morning. i have came to this place in my life where im just doing lots of self pity and giving in to temptations. i sincerely doubt if i would ever want to walk out of it, considering i have been struggling for such a long period of time.
There are lots of things going through my mind these days but i guess sometimes using other stuff to distract me is a way of me running away from my problems.
The worst thing is this. You know what the solution is but you always run away from it. Causing more hurt upon yourself, sealing what you will tend to choose next. It just keeps repeating.
There are lots of things going through my mind these days but i guess sometimes using other stuff to distract me is a way of me running away from my problems.
The worst thing is this. You know what the solution is but you always run away from it. Causing more hurt upon yourself, sealing what you will tend to choose next. It just keeps repeating.
Friday, January 17, 2014
No greater love
If there was a word to describe my life in this current season, it will be truth.
i wanna know the truth. That a long time ago, Jesus came to rescue my soul. Now the life i live, i don't see it as myself, my church, my resolutions, my relationships, my dreams, my purpose.
There's just one truth. Telling me that God exists. That He has a purpose. That i am His. I can run no where else for He has set eternity in the hearts of men. I want the life He has intended a long time ago. Paying the price, risen from the dead. Rock this world of mine. =D
i wanna know the truth. That a long time ago, Jesus came to rescue my soul. Now the life i live, i don't see it as myself, my church, my resolutions, my relationships, my dreams, my purpose.
There's just one truth. Telling me that God exists. That He has a purpose. That i am His. I can run no where else for He has set eternity in the hearts of men. I want the life He has intended a long time ago. Paying the price, risen from the dead. Rock this world of mine. =D
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