As i look back at the different facebook posts in my timeline, i recall of how God brought me through different seasons of my time. From the poly time to NS and after, bitter sweet memories, people that i met and people who are still in my life till this day.
Much has changed. friends that were close to my heart were not so due to certain convictions and belief that we hold on to. I did not expect myself to be who i am today. Nor others the way they are. There were seasons where i doubted, trusted, believed, go through the motion, seek approval, had great friendship, challenged to walk deeper into the heart of God, met new friends in SIM, picked up bad habits etc.
But till this day i feel terribly lost. It has been long since i had a friend that i could just pour out my heart to. I could tell God everything(i think) but as for the body of Christ i have yet to find someone who was as close as ningjie. Sometimes i ask myself do i need one to be as close as he was to me? i don't have the answer but i realize it does help when you are going through down seasons of your life where you can be reminded of God's love and keeping each other in prayers, speaking truth and even clearing your thoughts after speaking to each other. Sometimes what you tell a leader and friend can be a little different. Not in content but probably more of what you are feeling in what you are going through.
I see my life now as a failure. A flop. I did not treasure what God has entrusted to me and walking daily with God is a struggle as of now. I don't understand the joy of the Lord now as worldly desires seems to be more attractive and that's kinda sad because it doesn't satisfy. It probably only gives a instant false sense of security and pleasure for the moment. There's no difference between a beast and me since we both live on instincts rather than the bigger picture.
It hurts to look back and remember how close i was to God. True enough i had some wrong image of who God was. Through the years my knowledge increased and got to understand through the Word of God who He really was. The main question i ask myself sometimes is after having a new mindset of who God is, do i still really want to follow Him all the way with my life? At least for my life i can say that i don't enjoy dying to my self daily. When i don't have answers from God and i feel lost i tend to make my own decisions or just running away from the problems i have by running to the world.
Only recently i felt God revealed a deeper side of me on the inside. I felt it was really hard to accept myself and i saw how ugly my flesh really was and how much i enjoyed being who i am today. Never would i have thought that it will be possible for me to enter into such a state where Christianity becomes a religion rather than a relationship. I mean why not just leave church and declare i am not a Christian rather.
All seems good until i realize that God has done a work in my heart. Deep down inside i know that when i run to the world, i will just come back hurt and in the progress hurt many more people. Whats the point of doing something you already know and seeing many having already done that.
I struggle like crazy God. Because i know when You live in me i can be a blessing to the nations. Your good news will be spread and i will know of the joy of the Lord. The life without regrets as i invest in Your kingdom. But to me now, all these are just knowledge. I'm sorry Lord.
Where am i going to go on from here? i am not just my own yet God i know you are more concerned for me than whatever i can do for You. Its weird not loving the person that loves you. Help me not stay here any longer.
